#1. Trying to make every film a PG-13. It’s inappropriate in many cases. Most genres aren’t suitable for children and by aiming for a censorship label many films are neutered beyond belief. When John McClane can’t say his infamous, iconic catchphrase in Die Hard 4.0 because children are watching, well, something has gone badly wrong. It’s impossible to make adult movies with children in mind. You are servicing two masters, and doing both a disservice. It’s also immoral in some genres, for instance with slasher films, a PG-13 murder movie is wrong for so many reasons.
#2. Making bloated, drawn-out, long-winded movies. Ever since Lord of the Rings, it seems films have gotten longer and longer and in almost every case a more ruthless editor could have given us a better film, in two-thirds of the time. Do we really need those twenty-minute scenes that go nowhere? My ass says no. Just give me a beginning, a middle and an end (in any order), but not a beginning, middle, middle, middle, middle, middle, end, end, end, end.
#3. CGI-ing the shit out of everything. Cinema screens have been filled with hollow, plastic worlds replete with weightless apparitions ever since the ’90s and I’m bored of it. There is a time and a place for CGI. Some films get it spot on — Iron Man being a recent example — but in most cases we get a film that lacks tension and fails to evoke any sense of wonder. There is very little magic to digital effects. No matter how rubber the shark in Jaws looks we still know it’s there in the water — a physical presence we can feel with our own eyes as well as see. Also, and this is the bigger crime: the making of documentaries are so fucking boring! I miss seeing the movie-magic shows of yesteryear when practical effects took place on set. I miss when they would build the stuff you would see, like that giant boulder in Raiders or the exploding white house in ID4. A time and a place, guys.
#4. Casting overpriced stars. It’s no longer the norm to cast the right actor for the role, but to cast the most famous celebrity in the role and then put their giant floating head on the poster. It doesn’t matter if they’re too young, white and pretty, as long as they can bring the 13-year-olds into the cinema. For me, any actor with hair plugs or actress with botox should be immediately vetoed. Where have all the character actors gone? HBO, that’s where.
#5. Remaking every film ever made. There are so many great stories waiting to be told, but brand-name executives are relying on past successes to make profits. Sure, they’re less risk and less work, but when we resort to cannibalising the past we atrophy. We need new, different and exciting stories, we do not need to watch Ferris Bueller have another day off (you know it’s coming). Somewhere a great film is going unmade because they want to recast Karate Kid. Who can blame them? We all can.
#6. Selling cool. It seems in the last few years every character lives in a mansion out of a Better Homes mag and every character wears bespoke haute couture and tailor made suits while in possession of every hi-tech accessory a product-placement consultant could dream of. Verisimilitude is dead and buried, now it’s all about the ‘tude — the sham of the razzmatazz and MTV lifestyle. It doesn’t matter that the majority of the world cannot relate to the characters on-screen anymore, just so long as they wish they had their homes, clothes, and phones.
#7. Shaking the camera. There is no need to film a movie like the cinematographer is drunk off his ass and blinded with pepper spray. Some say it is done to instill a sense of energy and realism, when in fact it just takes you right out of the film. You’re suddenly and completely aware the movie was recorded, and by someone on rollerskates and a gallon of scotch. Great action directors understand that you need to establish geography unless you want to disorientate and confuse your audience. And when your audience is confused they’re not invested or enjoying the film.
#8. Rapid cut editing. Also known as avid farting. When the film is cut together so fast half your audience is on the verge of having seizures I wonder why the filmmaker hates me and wants me to suffer. These spastic cuts can’t be made for pacing because the films usually run over 14 hours long. And it can’t be for brevity within scenes because they could just ramp the motion up to double speed. If filmmakers insist on blinding us with a cut every .05 of a second, then I’m sure they don’t care if everyone walks like it’s a 1910 silent movie. There might be an issue with the midgetised helium voices but it’s better than requiring a cornea transplant.
I know there are so many more to add, so opening it up to the floor, can you think of what a possible #9 and #10 should be?
Posted by MontiLee on May 12, 2008 at 10:28 pm
You silly man.
1 – Films get rated PG-13 because anyone can get a ticket to see them – boobies, fart jokes an all. PG-13 movies gross more over all and are considered a sure money maker because they aren’t considered “babyish” like G and “too adult” with R. Blame the studios for wanting to make a buck rather than a quality film.
2 – I don’t mind long films so long as there is story development. Se7en, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Last Crusade, Poltergeist – all around two hours because there was a story to develop. Movies under 90 minutes sacrifice story and character for action which – again – is all about money. It’s not as if people are going to watch a 86 minute movie and then jump into the next theater to watch another.
3 – I have to agree with you on this one. It shows a lack of imagination and sheer laziness on the part of the director. Brink back Savini and Baker let’s see some effects.
4 – Money, mia compadre. Although it would be nice if the studios would stop throwing money at Nicole Kidman to star in films she absolutely sucks in. I don’t mind big stars. I mind when there’s no character to be acted. Will Smith as Will Smith in I Am Legend.
5 – Laziness – and the fact that this generation won’t watch old films, ‘cuz you know – they’re old.
6 – Meh – we had those films like Weird Science and St. Elmo’s Fire. It was done again with Cruel Intentions and again the Scream franchise. We go to the movies to escape, not watch some schmuck driving the same crap-ass car living in a crap-shack just like ours.
7 – Personal preference. If the movie action calls for it, then do it. Handi-Cams have always been a staple of movies because they the do (when used correctly) put the audience in the film. When over used – it looks like a gimmick.
8 – Blame shorter attention spans and a lack of Ritalin. It’s supposed to be edgy and sharp, but to me it shows a director who was running short on film and flubbed most of his takes so they had to compensate with quick cuts. It could also mean schooling wasn’t an option and they’re completely self taught, which would really explain a lot.
My additions –
9: Spoof movies. No one cares how clever you are. There’s your lack of imagination. Can’t come up with an original idea, rip off another and add fart jokes, which brings me to …
10: Clone movies. And by this I mean studios who race to have their version of the next teen thriller hit the screens and we end up with ten versions of Pulse, or One Missed Call, or Ring – and they all suck.
Yeah, I was bored.
Posted by Kevin on May 12, 2008 at 10:49 pm
I just disagree with PG13 horror and how stupidly edited some films are to shoehorn in a PG13 rating. “Yippy Kay Yay Mother(gunshot).”
I love Lawrence of Arabia and the films you mentioned, the story holds it and requires that running time. But any Michael Bay movie does not. How long was Bad Boys 2 again? Or The Island? Or Transformers? You have to admit, Monti, that more films today run ridiculously longer than they did in the past.
Also, Handi-cams are overused. Period. As with everything there’s a time and a place.
Yeah, I’m also bored.
Posted by Michael on May 13, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Completely signed.
@MontiLee: i don´t think you should take everything in this list too literal, Kevin just points out different things that suck in many modern movies, that doesn´t mean it´s the case for every movie.
#1 and #4 are the worst things in my opinion. how often have i ordered a dvd and got angry afterwards to receive the pg-13 or pg-16 version because i just flew through the technical details.
Posted by Kevin on May 13, 2008 at 4:02 pm
Thanks, Michael. Yep, I agree, as with every opinion there is always a contradictory stance, which is valid, but I’m just whining and poking fun.
And I totally agree on the PG-13 DVDs.
Posted by kallioppe on May 14, 2008 at 12:09 pm
#9 Book remakes
Stop ruining my favourite novels by making stupid, hollywood versions that contain dull insipid actors, just so they can gush in interviews and tell us all how much they’ve always ‘loved’ the book. There are some exceptions, but on the whole you can’t really cram a 200 page novel into a 2 hour film, unless you are doing the Cliff Notes version (that would explain a few things). And no, that is NOT a concession to making it longer or making sequels.
Just S T O P.
#10 Stop Hollywoodising Foreign films
When a film has something going for it appreciate it. Revel in the culture, be wowed by the locale, the accents, the cinematography, the unfamiliar actors. Don’t remake it only because you hate reading subtitles or you feel it is too ‘foreign’. Don’t change it by snazzier productions, bigger budgets, CGI, explosions and ditzy but perfect looking actors. And for God’s sake, who said you could change the ending?? AGH!
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